My Thoughts updates

I have 2 updates to add from past days... I'll get em up soon

My Thoughts-2/18/2012

I've been depressed lately. I'm not sure exactly why,
but I'm depressed. My original thought is that it was the
game I've been playing(Katawa Shoujo), but now it may be
the operation and the pain medicine. I feel like I need
to get outside. I remember, when I was letting my cat in
my house, I looked outside and felt like I should go
outside, but felt like I can't and shook my head at the
door and closed the door. My parents came back from dinner
and the very first thing my mom asked me was how I was
feeling. After I said I'm ok, she guessed that I was
feeling a little down, which I didn't deny. She told me
that I should get together with some of my friends. I've
talked to one of my friends already with how I'm
depressed and then that was about it. Maybe I should just
talk with some of my other friends, and maybe that'll work.
I guess I just need to get my mind off of things, which
this game I'm playing doesn't exactly do. If anything, the
game just makes me feel worse. It makes me think about how
I'm like the people in there. Hopefully, I can get outside
tomorrow and be with some of my friends, but so far, I've
gotten absolutely no response from any of them.

My Thoughts-2/17/2012 (Part 2)

Again, with the game Katawa Shoujo, the characters all
reflect a little about me in the game. The main character
has a weak heart, and after being asked out on a date,
his heart begins to give out on him and he goes in the
hospital. Then, he is sent to a special school with a 24
hour nursing staff. I have a somewhat weak heart, and I
run cross country. Whenever I have problems breathing or
running, I feel weak, like this should not be happening.
I blame myself for being as weak as I am, I am not living
my life the way it should if these things happen. Periods
throughout this year, I was in pain for unown reasons.
Every time I felt the pain, I thought to myself that this
pain was a pain that I did to myself. It was my fault for
the pain, for some reason. I felt hopeless and uncapable
to do anything. Most of the time in my life, it seems, I
do not know what to do. Again, with the hopelessness and
incapability. The feeling of not knowing what you can do
just made me feel absolutely unable to do anything other
than just accept it and take the beating. It was an aweful
feeling, just like the feeling of pain that made me feel
as if I were weak. These weaknesses I have should be
possible to be avoided, yet I feel them. I was too weak.
In relation to myself and the other character again;He was
asked out by his crush at the time, and that triggered
his heart to go out. I would not expect my crush to ever
do something like this, and I don't find myself getting a
girlfriend either, at this point. To all my friends, I
just say that I don't want one, but now I debate if this
is true. Even if I really wanted one, how would I go about
it? I don't know. I wouldn't know what to do. Again,
hopelessness. He got sent to a hospital for a while after
the accident. If I were sent to a hospital for anything
other than the checkup, that would be a sign of real
weakness to me.

My Thoughts-2/17/2012 (Part 1)

In this new game I got, Katawa Shoujo, I just found a
part of myself being reflected in Emi, the love interest.
She lost her legs in an accident, and a father to boot.
As she finally talks about these things, she says "I've
already had everything I knew ripped away from me once. I
don't know what I'd do if it happened again. So I can't
rely on anybody." I have felt the same way when I lost
Jack... I lost my greatest friend, due to my own failures.
I punished myself for it and now despite any and all
efforts, I cannot get past this to become friends with him.
I know what I have done, and what I should have done. The
past cannot be changed, I realize that, and this is one of
my philosophies. Another I had was to never let someone
get close to me ever again, because I knew in my soul that
it would result in me losing any new friends the same way.
I had lost so many friends in my life, and most of them
within a period of 3 years. I never wanted this to happen,
but after that period, I isolated myself. The pain that
happened to me after this period was so unbearable. I was
alone. I couldn't talk to my family about this, and I grew
apart from them. I had no contact with any of these friends
I lost, and even now with facebook, I have found them, but
I still cannot talk to them.

My thoughts-2/15/2012

Today my parents talked to me about various things,
and one thing that particularly stood out to me was that
they said that the only person that I needed to worry
about was myself. I immediately thought, and this will
be a little extistentialism in me, that my life means
less to me than most other people's lives. My life is not
worth as much to me as others', such as Greg's or Marty's
means to me. I guess, the best way to describe this is by
saying that my life, while maybe not necessarily bad, was
misused and I honestly feel that if my soul were pitted
up against some other people, theirs would definitely be
more pure than mine. I do not deserve to live as much as
another person, but that is not how life works. I realise
this, and I think this is a large flaw in life, but what
can I do? It is not up to me to decide how life works,
but it is up to me to decide how my life will be lived.
I want this life that I live to be one for the people,
even though I know that with how greedy and pro-self I
can get, that this will not truly be the case. I think
that if I didn't think about my own interests as much, as
I want to, then I would be a much better person. When I
am not put on the spot, as I am now, I know that my
greatest desire is to help others. I understand how
others feel and I can kind of feel how they feel as well.
I rejoice at anothers' rejoicing, and I share their pain.
My best interests are anothers' best interests at heart.